Comedic Hassles: The Gorge

Heights are not my thing. Falling is not my thing. So you would think that on my vacation away from school I would not be driving, in a car, with my boyfriend, towards a gorge, to jump off a bridge, to my most certain death… Yet here I am.

“Come on it will be so much fun!”

“No.”

“At least try and enjoy yourself, you’re already in the car.”

Well at least that was true. I am in the car. Because he threw me over his shoulder and put me in here. Well basically did. Kinda.

“Just jump off once. It’s really not that bad, plus lots of people have done it and haven’t died. One jump won’t kill you.”

Disappointingly enough the cute eyes he used on me after saying that finally broke me and I’d decided to jump off with him, once. Besides, he’d said it wasn’t that high.

“OH MY GOSH!”

“What? It’s not that high.”

“Where’s the water?”

He just rolled his eyes at me and jumped and I prepared myself for the single life. Boys like a widow right? Needless to say, he didn’t die, and he returned to me in one piece. I, on the other hand, got sunburned and vowed never to returned to the gorge again. I am much more suited for a casual stroll through a field of wildflowers and butterflies, but good luck finding a boy to go with, so naturally I ended up back at the gorge on multiple occasions.

Comedic Hassles: Bubble Trouble

So maybe living on my own was not the best decision of my life… I have to wash my own clothes, cook my own dinner and clean up after myself. Well, at least the first two things anyway. But honestly, I am quite proud of myself. I even managed to do my first load of dishes in the dishwasher. I am such a domesticated person. I even invited my boyfriend over for a home cooked meal of Kraft Dinner. I am just too smart for my own good. Although, the arrival of my boyfriend may have proved otherwise.

“Hey sweetie I’m… OH MY DEAR LAWRD!”

“What? What? W- OH MY DEAR LAWRD!”

So perhaps, just maybe, when I was putting in the dishwasher soap, I may have, quite possibly put in regular dishwashing soap instead and caused a massive wall of bubbles to come billowing out of the dishwasher, maybe… Luckily, my boyfriend was there and he started cleaning up the bubbles so that I could finish supper.

“Hello? Is this the Chinese takeout place?”

Being domesticated can be so hard.

Comedic Hassles: Mother Nature has a Cruel Sense of Humour

So apparently the cat belongs to my neighbours upstairs. They’d forgotten to let it in last night and the dumb thing took its distress out on me. Actually, I kinda enjoy the little guy. He comes and visits me every now and then and watches the rodents.

“The Rodents! Oh my gosh I completely forgot to clean their cage! How can a couple little critters poop so much!”

Unfortunately, I hadn’t had much training with pet care. Being the youngest meant that it was always my older sister’s job to clean litter boxes and pick up after the dog, so I’d have to figure this out myself. Well naturally, the first thing to do would be to get them out of there. Luckily, I had just finished off a box of cereal this morning so I dropped them in there to wait. Next would be to actual clean… Guess I can just dump all the bedding in the garbage… then I can wash the cage out in the tub.

“Yes! That’s it! I am a genius!”

Quite pleased with myself I went about making my rodents home habitable again. I couldn’t wait to put the rodents back into their neat and tidy little home. The only issue… the rodents had gone. I tipped the cereal box upside down and shook it, desperately trying to make them appear out of thin air. Then my eyes looked onto the demon kitty, sitting by the door licking its paws.

“Mew.”

Well that was the last time I let the neighbour’s cat visit me, and if I already hadn’t had enough stress as is that night my mother called to catch up. I didn’t really have much to say.

“Your father told me you go some rodents? How are they? Are you enjoying them?”

“Well someone did.”

Comedic Hassles: Things that go Bump in the Night

Living on your own always sounds nice until you actually do. Sure during the day you’re sitting on the couch in your undies eating peanut butter with a spoon, but then night hits and there’s no daddy there to take on the robbers and psycho killers for you.

Luckily, I’m used to facing the horrors of the night on my own. My dad was a lazy butt. As a kid I’d run to his room at night in fear of the new monster wanting to eat me and he’d tell me to go sleep in the spare room. So naturally, when I heard a weird noise coming from outside I was fully composed and walked calmly to the door.

“Oh My Gosh what in the world was that! Dad! Dad! Dad! Help me!”

Knowing full well that my dad, who wouldn’t walk five meters to scare away the monsters for his 6 year old daughter, was not going drive an hour and a half to save his 18 year old one, I still called him.

“Dad, there’s something outside! It’s making a horrible yowling noise, like a rat being drowned in a pickle jar.”

That’s when my dad hung up. It was then that I realised I really was on my own. So bravely I walked towards the door, armed with the remote and opened it.

“Meow”

It was a cat…

Comedic Hassles: Furry, Poop Covered Idiots

I bought myself some rodents and I must say, they aren’t very bright. They just run around their wheel all day and poop on each other. Regardless, they are my furry idiots that I bought with my own money, which my parents gave me. They are fun to watch though, just running around mindlessly. I don’t know why dad never let me get some as a kid. They aren’t much work at all. I just got them today and all I had to do was throw them into the cage and they entertain themselves. I like to think that this was how I was as a child. All cute and cuddly and busy playing in my own little world. Oh I think I’ll just have to pick one up!

IT BIT ME!!! I reached in to pick it up and it bit me! Guess I was more like them as a child than I thought…

Comedic Hassles: The Dungeon

My apartment is an absolute dungeon! I walk down a staircase of skeletons in order to get to my basement apartment. Mother says I’m exaggerating and the place was a great deal. I’m not saying the place wasn’t a good deal, I’m just saying it was probably home to murderers. Luckily, I am what people call an insane optimist. Why, the walls could be home to asbestos and you would still find me smiling, though I’d probably be dead. Mother has assured me though that the place is asbestos free, at least that’s what they say.

Anyway, with some tiding up, which I’m sure I can convince my mum to do, the place may actually be livable. Then I can do whatever I want…

 

Comedic Hassles: Snackables

Chips are a beautiful thing. The crunch, the taste, the smell as you open the bag. Give me a bag of chips over a cake any day. So you would think, with chips being so high on my most desirable snackables, that my parents would keep them well stocked. WRONG! Absolutely wrongo! That would in fact not be the case, for just this very evening, as I dragged my malnutritioned body into the kitchen, I was confronted with an empty snack cupboard. You heard me right, empty. And when I went to question my so emotionally attentive parents they had only one thing to say to me…

“The doctor told your mum that she can’t eat chips anymore so we didn’t buy any.”

“What? You mean to say that since one person in this family has been ruled off chips that the rest of us must be punished as well? Lunacy! I demand my rights! Child support! Child support! I’m being abused!”

Needless to say, my parents did not find it very amusing, and I was sent to the chamber of punishment, my room. Some kids think it’s so funny when parents send them to their rooms, but that’s because they have x-boxes and TVs and laptops, but not me. My room is a regular Amish paradise. Jokes on my parents though because I shall just start packing and getting ready to leave their miserable chipless house. That’s right! I’m moving out! Next stop UNIVERSITY! In just a couple more days I shall be the most fabtastic first year making my own rules and eating bags, and bags of chips in my very own apartment!

What You’ll See

For now my blog will mainly consist of fiction posts revolving around a young woman. This series will be entitled Comedic Hassles! Inspiration for my posts will come from real life experiences of myself and of people around me. I might add that these experiences are slightly exaggerated to please my own humour and are put into the perspective of a fictional melodramatic character I created. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

As well, I may post more personal blogs about me and my experiences in university. Fiction post revolving around other fictional characters my become more frequent, and you may also see poems written by me if I feel inclined to share.

On a side note, all of my short stories are written in ascending chronological order so if you want to start at the beginning of a series you can click on the series name in categories and then scroll to the bottom and start reading!

Thank you for your time and please watch out for new posts by me 🙂